Recently I’ve been thinking of babies.
Before we all hit a point of no return delusions let me clarify right now that I’m not having a baby anytime soon. I’ve got another year of school to finish, a job to find, a car to buy, a house to get, and a lot of debt to cut down before I even consider having a baby. But I’ve been wondering how my life could be different if I decided to have a baby some point soon. My drive to work is almost 40 minutes and everyday I find myself reflecting on the future. Today was babies.
The first thing I think about is who the dad would be. Obviously, my future husband but who would that be? If I had to chose out of my guy friends there’s three or four who I could see being great dads. Is that a quality I look for in dating now that I’m 20? Do I look for more than someone to cuddle up to and start looking for someone for my future? I decided that the dad of my future child is going to want the baby as badly as I do. If he’s not ready to have a baby when I am, okay. Then we need to wait. A child deserves the love a parent is able to give them. Hell, look at my dad. He’s the prime example of how waiting can make you a much better father than everyone expected you to be. He was37 when my brother was born and 40 when I was born. He was no longer an alcoholic, he was finally manager of a plant.
I then get thinking about names. Do you know how many people I have met that have ruined a name for me? I also consider things like “cute” names that your child will never grow into. Tiffany is one of those names for me. Tiffany is a little girl with pigtails or a 16 year old teenager singing how she thinks we’re alone now…it’s not a woman fully supporting herself in my head. If you’re a Tiffany, I apologize for this one. There are also names that can be shorten that I just can’t stand. Robbie and Bobby are two fine examples. My dad has a cousin who’s a lawyer who goes by Bobby and my dad says he thinks of it as a little kid name. The middle names for my children are already picked out in my head. Louise for a girl (my middle name) and Donald for a boy (my dad’s name). But if it doesn’t flow with a name my husband likes then what?
Clearly I have an over active brain when I’m driving when I’m focusing about things like babies on my drive. I imagine how I’d react to finding out things about my baby – like their bout with chicken pox or they learned how to say “da da” first. I imagine how proud I am to see them painting in my living room (I’ll write about my house visions one day…I’m delusional) and hanging them up on the fridge. I imagined my mother’s day cards hand made in a pre-school. Macaroni Christmas decorations. Under cooked birthday cakes.
But somewhere between when I turn on the last road and when I arrive at work I begin to wonder what if I can’t have kids? Would I be willing to opening my heart to the idea of adoption? I could love a baby that isn’t mine biologically I know that. But the adoption process can be long and there can be many hurdles and disappointments a long the way. Plus, would I be able to afford the cost?
Don’t mind my rambling, it’s just a case of an overactive brain and the happiness I get when I think of things to do with my niece. I wonder if anyone else ever has these moments when thoughts that aren’t in their plans for years just overflow their head.