Recently I’ve been thinking of babies.

Before we all hit a point of no return delusions let me clarify right now that I’m not having a baby anytime soon.  I’ve got another year of school to finish, a job to find, a car to buy, a house to get, and a lot of debt to cut down before I even consider having a baby.  But I’ve been wondering how my life could be different if I decided to have a baby some point soon.  My drive to work is almost 40 minutes and everyday I find myself reflecting on the future.  Today was babies.

The first thing I think about is who the dad would be.  Obviously, my future husband but who would that be?  If I had to chose out of my guy friends there’s three or four who I could see being great dads.  Is that a quality I look for in dating now that I’m 20?  Do I look for more than someone to cuddle up to and start looking for someone for my future?  I decided that the dad of my future child is going to want the baby as badly as I do.  If he’s not ready to have a baby when I am, okay.  Then we need to wait.  A child deserves the love a parent is able to give them.  Hell, look at my dad.  He’s the prime example of how waiting can make you a much better father than everyone expected you to be.  He was37 when my brother was born and 40 when I was born.  He was no longer an alcoholic, he was finally manager of a plant.

I then get thinking about names.  Do you know how many people I have met that have ruined a name for me?  I also consider things like “cute” names that your child will never grow into.  Tiffany is one of those names for me.  Tiffany is a little girl with pigtails or a 16 year old teenager singing how she thinks we’re alone now…it’s not a woman fully supporting herself in my head.  If you’re a Tiffany, I apologize for this one.  There are also names that can be shorten that I just can’t stand.  Robbie and Bobby are two fine examples.  My dad has a cousin who’s a lawyer who goes by Bobby and my dad says he thinks of it as a little kid name.  The middle names for my children are already picked out in my head.  Louise for a girl (my middle name) and Donald for a boy (my dad’s name).  But if it doesn’t flow with a name my husband likes then what?

Clearly I have an over active brain when I’m driving when I’m focusing about things like babies on my drive.  I imagine how I’d react to finding out things about my baby – like their bout with chicken pox or they learned how to say “da da” first.  I imagine how proud I am to see them painting in my living room (I’ll write about my house visions one day…I’m delusional) and hanging them up on the fridge.   I imagined my mother’s day cards hand made in a pre-school.  Macaroni Christmas decorations. Under cooked birthday cakes.

But somewhere between when I turn on the last road and when I arrive at work I begin to wonder what if I can’t have kids?  Would I be willing to opening my heart to the idea of adoption?  I could love a baby that isn’t mine biologically I know that.  But the adoption process can be long and there can be many hurdles and disappointments a long the way.  Plus, would I be able to afford the cost?

Don’t mind my rambling, it’s just a case of an overactive brain and the happiness I get when I think of things to do with my niece.  I wonder if anyone else ever has these moments when thoughts that aren’t in their plans for years just overflow their head.


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