Archive | January 2012

It hurts.

Y’know, it took almost no thought for me to let you back into my life.  There were many people warning me to keep my guards up and don’t let you get to close to me because of how things have been in the past.  But when you came back into my life after 2 years of being AWOL I figured nothing had really changed besides a few more piercings on my side and a couple of tattoos on you.  It made me smile, it was almost a form of comfort to have a little bit of home away from it.

But at the same time, I shouldn’t of been so stupid. You made me cry on my birthday.  You tried to make it better with a kiss but it just made it worse.  It made me feel like this would eventually, perhaps go somewhere.  We had a night of movie watching and cuddling and then a night of lazing around.  It was nice to have back what was my best friend and it was great to finally see both of us smiling again.

The thing about nothing changing is the bad part of the person is still the same.  You earned nicknames from my friends that I told them “oh he’s not like that anymore” but I realize that I lied to them.  That’s even worse than all the lies you said to me.  And y’know, I didn’t ask for you to lay your heart on the line and give me a definite yes/no commitment all I asked when you said “you can’t do it” was for you to still be my friend.  You’ve pretty much cut off contact with me.  It’s like  how it was 2 years ago again.

If there’s a lesson to be learned from this it’s not to give people the trust you think they deserve.  Judge by their actions and not what they say.  Don’t be fucking stupid.

“I just need a bit more time”

I find myself saying these words all the time with reasons why I never have tasks finished.  I actually have never handed an assignment in late (high school and university) but when it comes to gathering information up and prepping it, I’m slow.  I hate the thoughts of the pile that keeps growing of work to be done and the amount of trees I’m bound to kill in the month of February with assignments.

This semester is strange for me.  While I do have the advantage of having three days of classes it is exhausting to me.  I don’t know if I’d ever do it again.  I’m a girl who is not a morning person yet I’m up before 9 on all three of those days.  I’ve added a job into the mix and debated applying for a second but honestly, I can safely say it’d just be too much.  I need the money.  I know I’m wasting money on stupid “pointless” things but at the same time I can’t just live a depressing life as a student where I’m sitting in my room or running around campus.  I did that for two years.  It’s time I start doing somethings for me.

But no matter what happens, there’s never enough time in a day.  I haven’t seen my niece since before Christmas (or my best friend for that matter).  I go home on weekends because something seems to come up and I’m missing opportunities to keep good friendships going.  I want 20 minutes a day to go to the gym but during the hour long breaks I have I’ve been napping so I can be on my A game all the time.  I’ve been using my breaks to make sure I eat lunch, or to make sure I eat breakfast because honestly I realize how much more important it is for me to eat than it is for me to hit up a treadmill.

Winter semester always seems to go so fast.  I’m already starting week 4 this week, with my first midterm coming up on Wednesday after a Tuesday night concert with my good friend.  I just need to make a calendar and put dates on it so I don’t forget anything.  I’m a stickler for every grade I can possibly get.   I decided I was going to give myself a break this weekend and visit my one friend in a nearby city, but as it turns out our Saturday is being filled with previous commitments (homework for me and a club meeting for her).  It’s not a bad thing and I’m not complaining about it (because it needs to get done), but I’m dying to just have a weekend to breathe.

In the words of Dory from Finding Nemo, I’ll just keep swimming and in the words of Jack’s Mannequin I’ll just keep my head above.