Confession.

Its crazy to me how paranoid I can get. It’s actually to a point now that it’s seriously effecting my life and I’m tired of keeping that inside of me. I first noticed this paranoia when I was in grade 6 and it’s been on and off since then but lately it seems to be constantly on and never off.

I really started to notice it the last month of school where I had this paranoia of being mugged. While my school is in a high crime area I literally have a parking lot to walk across to get to my room. When I would leave the doors of my school I would make sure to not step outside before looking to my left. Later on in the month I realized if I was a robber I would hide on the right hand side so when the door opened the person couldn’t see me.

It was even bad when I was in my residence. I was super scared to use the washroom when it was dark out because I thought that there would be someone in the shower ready to grab me and rape me as I was leaving. It got to a point I would run out of the bathroom after I quickly washed my hands. If my boyfriend wasn’t in my room I would be super anxious to get inside my room because there was never activity in my hallway I was scared someone was going to force me into my room and rape me.

I thought this was all just because I was living in the city but I’ve been proven wrong by that. When my friend told me and my boyfriend we could stay the night at her place while she was in the hospital with her newborn I was too scared to take the first steps into the house, stand alone in the garage, or be on a different floor then my boyfriend. He even said to me once “you’re not going to shower unless I’m up there are you”. I knew in the deepest part of my mind that nobody was up there but I was still so scared.

It’s even at a point now I’m like this at home. Before I use are bathroom I make sure the backdoor is locked and turn on the back porch light if it’s dark out to make sure nobody is there. When I leave the bathroom I look both ways to make sure no one is hiding and when I walk back to my bedroom I’m even checking my front room from where I am to make sure no one is hiding. If it’s day time and the doorbell rings I’m too scared to answer most of the time but if I am answering it it’s because someone else is home but j can still feel my heart racing and my stomach in my throat.

Now I know some people are going to read this and think I’m being silly and I won’t be surprised if people think I’m lying or being ridiculous. I wish I could control this but simply put the fear pretty much takes over me and I feel like I don’t have control. It’s embarrassing how I behave and I’m too scared to tell people because even though I’ve study psych for two years I have no idea what’s up with me.

So if you read this and have any advice on how to deal with this or have been in the same situation please help me out. It took everything in me to write this and I don’t know if it’s answers I’m looking for or just a way to finally let it all out so I can feel like I can stop lying to myself and admit this isn’t normal behaviour.

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One thought on “Confession.

  1. Sounds like some intense anxiety and is completely normal considering Jane and Finch is not exactly a safe place to be and there have been a few mishaps concering personal safety around campus.
    My honest advice? Go to a doctor (one that isn’t your doctor now because she WON’T help you), talk it out and get some medication. Even a low dose SSRI will help. It doesn’t have to be anything big, and it doesn’t have to be a long term commitment off the bat but if you get the medication and it does help, it’s worth the peace of mind.
    I remember being in your shoes. And while it was never quite this bad for me, it did definitely get to this point almost when I brought Ev home and hadn’t started back on the medication yet. I wouldn’t shower if there was nobody home, I wouldn’t leave her on a different floor, I wouldn’t leave her if she was sleeping etc etc.
    If you need to talk this out, PLEASE tell me. I won’t ever judge you, or think you’re lying. This is/can be something fairly serious and if it’s affecting your quality of life (and it seems to be getting to that point), then finding a solution should be number one on the list.
    I love you!

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