I feel like I’m in such a rutt.  I know I have to study because my midterm is next week and I need to start my papers because their due in two weeks but honestly I can’t even work right now.  I’m numb.  I’m feeling nothing, not happiness, not sadness, not depression, not anger, NOTHING.  Is there something I’m suppose to be feeling? Am I missing out on something?

I feel like all some of us can talk about is what happened- can you blame us?   We have to go into class on Monday and pretend like everything is back to normal and it’s far from it.  We’re going to be counting down to April for freedom so we don’t have to look at how sad her friend has become and so that we don’t have to stare at the spot she used to sit.  It seems like every thought we have somehow links back to her, no matter how little we knew her.  It’s a sense of loss – and feeling for people who have lost their friend, daughter, or sister.

I act like it’s not affecting me but on the inside it’s killing me. I don’t work to my full potential, I don’t get the grades I should, I almost never help people who don’t get it when I do and somehow I’m still here.  I don’t have a high and bright future in the field, I spend half my classes on MSN or facebook…and I get to still be here? I’ve done idiotic things to my body, had tonsilitis countless times, strep more times than the number of fingers I have and bronchitis a few times.  And nothing THAT bad has ever happened to me?  I have the most bizarre allergies…and I haven’t even spent a night in a hospital bed.

I don’t understand how someone who has so much family and so many friends and a fucking fiance can be taken from the world.  At 22.  Twenty-two isn’t old enough to do everything you ever wanted to. “It was her time” is a sorry excuse and “god needs another angel” sounds like just a cop out. We’re never going to get a straight answer for why she’s not here anymore and all we’re expected to do is accept that she’s gone.

“It’s like there’s a whole in the earth shaped like her and no one can fill it – which is a good thing because she can never be replaced and a bad thing because it’s there.” – those words have stuck with me since my professor said them.

We exchange “hellos” and “goodbyes” with so many people – why don’t we have more of a conversation with them?  Why didn’t we take the time to ask how was your weekend instead of asking how they managed to get 100% on the stats midterm?  Why didn’t I take the time to tell her I liked her hair or that she had a really good presentation?  Why are we so embarrassed to start relationships with strangers – in the end it ends up hurting us so much that we didn’t get much more of a relationship out of it.

I catch myself closing my eyes at moments and trying to put myself in the shoes of people in her life.  If I lost my best friend from class I have no idea what I would do; we discuss everything together and study all the time together.  I bring her tea on morning class days and she feeds me dinner when we have study dates.  If I lost my brother I would miss his constant tormenting, his humour, and I’d feel horrible for every second that we fought and fight to remember all the times we did something productive together.  If I lost my significant other I’d probably shut down and shut off, I wouldn’t have that one person to confine everything in and nobody would be able to take the exact shape they take up in the bed.  Nobody would be able to replicate the sleep talking, the snoring, or any of the habits so many find “annoying” but the habits we fight so hard to remember once someone is gone.

I never want to be put into any of the situations above. EVER.  Losing a classmate has been tough, it’s been like we’ve lost one person out of our little family and it sucks because it’s not like she simply walked away…it’s she’s not coming back.


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