Archive | March 2011

Day 25- What I would find in your bag

Well depends which bag you are looking through.  Let’s use my three main ones:

1. Green suitcase – it’s overflowing with clothes, a couple of movies (The Hot Chick and  Harry Potter to be exact).
2. Black backpack! – handouts from various class presentations, neuroscience textbook (to make me look smart in a photoshoot), numerous pens, plastic forks and spoons, napkins, randomly tea and sugar (In case I need a fix? I have no idea), and usually my laptop is in there if I’m not using it.
3. Blue plaid purse – a change purse (almost empty), a wallet (empty), receipts for baby clothes, and a pen.


random thoughts through my head this week.

I wish everyone would just be themselves all the time.

My faith in humanity was lost by the number of people who cheat on exams. Enjoy your fake degrees.

There is one thing that gives me hope in the future…her name is Everleigh ❤

I will never understand why people can’t do the jobs they are assigned to…I always end up doing more than I need to.

I need a reminder that everything is going to be okay.  I’m hoping today is the day I get that.

What I would give for just five more minutes in bed every day of my life.

My attachment to my hair is unexplainable.

Why can’t I focus on one thing at a time.

The serenity prayer it the most sacred thing to my family, despite the word god in it I find it inspirational.
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

One. Step. At. A Time. ❤

I’m debating on what I want in the ribbon of my tattoo. I’m hoping to get it this summer.

If I don’t get my bird tattoo this summer I want a mental health awareness ribbon.

I’ve been looking at post-grad programs…I want to go into business but then I feel like I won’t be helping people how I always wanted to.

I miss my bed like you wouldn’t even believe.  I miss my ol’ bear on my bed.  I miss my corkboard border and my Paramore poster, collage of name tags, and my reasons why I’m special.

I want nothing more than to step on the ice and curl again.

Whenever I look at you I’m reminded of all the drama you caused me – thanks for making me that much stronger this year.

14,000 a year
For 13 weeks I lose my mind.
For 13 weeks I consume myself in books.
I read page after page, slide after slide.
I take notes, read them over, re-write them.
I make cue-cards, I post it note, I recite and recite.
And at the end of the day I still feel like
I’m going nowhere
at full speed.

I wish psychology wasn’t so depressing most days.  I hate that I can find more research on abusive marriages then I can on happy ones.  I don’t understand why we can’t focus on the amazing things that happen in our lives and study those – like the amount of happiness a baby brings a family instead of how much it tears it apart.  Why aren’t there studies about how good adolescent relationships can be instead of focusing on the 25% who suffer.
It all makes no sense to me.

Day 24- A letter to your parents

Dear Mom,

Well I’m glad to say we’ve made it past the years of the angst, angry yelling, and door slamming and have finally reached a stage where we can talk to each other.  I think it’s absolutely awesome you text me and I look forward to the phone calls I get from you on pretty much a nightly basis.  You’ve taught me to fight for so many things and have taught me to stood up for myself when I need to and I think it’s pretty safe to say you’ve raised a ‘take no shit’ type of girl.  Sometimes I get really pissed off at you and it’s just because I care, sometimes I feel like I need to be the one taking care of you and making sure everything is going well and I hate to see you in any form of distress.  You make me miss home more than I thought was possible considering the fact that when I was 17 I couldn’t wait for you to be out of my way.  You’re dedication to my bowling the last couple years has made me try harder and your reminder to have fun is what gets me through university some days.  I know that the next little while is going to be a ball of stress and I want you to know that as always I’m here for you.  I don’t care what the outcome is of any of the things we have ahead you’re still my mom and I’m still your baby.

xoxo Amanda.

Dear Dad,

Sometimes I forget we’re 40 years apart when we sit around and joke about strange habits (like mom saying Wal-mark instead of Wal-Mart…what’s up with that), and sometimes I’m reminded of it when you share such great knowledge with me.  I’ve always felt closer to you and it’s probably because I tend to get my way more of the time.  I see how upset you are because you can’t find a job, and how frustrated you get when you get lost driving, and how mad you get when your eye sight disappears for awhile and every time it happens it hits me hard too. You’ve had nothing but a run of bad luck for the past 3 years  but hey- we’re going to Florida finally, maybe our luck is going to change!  You’ve always supported my decisions, from my school, to my living arrangements, to my significant others.  I know you don’t understand why I have “so many holes in my body” but I appreciate you never asking me to take them out.  I think it’s awesome how we still stop at Tim Horton’s together whenever we get the chance and it makes my day when you come home with timbits.  I’m always your little girl, nothing will ever change that.  I love you employed, full of direction, and able to see and I love you when you’re un-employed, lost, and unable to see. You’re going to have things turn around one day I know it – you’ve taught me through all of this money doesn’t buy anything.

Love always,

xoxo Toad.

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

There are a lot of things that make me different from everyone else the first being: I’m a competitive bowler…actually I’m currently packing to go away to bowl provincials.  Another thing that sets me apart from people is the fact I’m overly empathetic, in crisis situations I tend to take care of everyone and feel what their feeling along the way – a blessing and a curse all in one.

 

Numb.

I feel like I’m in such a rutt.  I know I have to study because my midterm is next week and I need to start my papers because their due in two weeks but honestly I can’t even work right now.  I’m numb.  I’m feeling nothing, not happiness, not sadness, not depression, not anger, NOTHING.  Is there something I’m suppose to be feeling? Am I missing out on something?

I feel like all some of us can talk about is what happened- can you blame us?   We have to go into class on Monday and pretend like everything is back to normal and it’s far from it.  We’re going to be counting down to April for freedom so we don’t have to look at how sad her friend has become and so that we don’t have to stare at the spot she used to sit.  It seems like every thought we have somehow links back to her, no matter how little we knew her.  It’s a sense of loss – and feeling for people who have lost their friend, daughter, or sister.

I act like it’s not affecting me but on the inside it’s killing me. I don’t work to my full potential, I don’t get the grades I should, I almost never help people who don’t get it when I do and somehow I’m still here.  I don’t have a high and bright future in the field, I spend half my classes on MSN or facebook…and I get to still be here? I’ve done idiotic things to my body, had tonsilitis countless times, strep more times than the number of fingers I have and bronchitis a few times.  And nothing THAT bad has ever happened to me?  I have the most bizarre allergies…and I haven’t even spent a night in a hospital bed.

I don’t understand how someone who has so much family and so many friends and a fucking fiance can be taken from the world.  At 22.  Twenty-two isn’t old enough to do everything you ever wanted to. “It was her time” is a sorry excuse and “god needs another angel” sounds like just a cop out. We’re never going to get a straight answer for why she’s not here anymore and all we’re expected to do is accept that she’s gone.

“It’s like there’s a whole in the earth shaped like her and no one can fill it – which is a good thing because she can never be replaced and a bad thing because it’s there.” – those words have stuck with me since my professor said them.

We exchange “hellos” and “goodbyes” with so many people – why don’t we have more of a conversation with them?  Why didn’t we take the time to ask how was your weekend instead of asking how they managed to get 100% on the stats midterm?  Why didn’t I take the time to tell her I liked her hair or that she had a really good presentation?  Why are we so embarrassed to start relationships with strangers – in the end it ends up hurting us so much that we didn’t get much more of a relationship out of it.

I catch myself closing my eyes at moments and trying to put myself in the shoes of people in her life.  If I lost my best friend from class I have no idea what I would do; we discuss everything together and study all the time together.  I bring her tea on morning class days and she feeds me dinner when we have study dates.  If I lost my brother I would miss his constant tormenting, his humour, and I’d feel horrible for every second that we fought and fight to remember all the times we did something productive together.  If I lost my significant other I’d probably shut down and shut off, I wouldn’t have that one person to confine everything in and nobody would be able to take the exact shape they take up in the bed.  Nobody would be able to replicate the sleep talking, the snoring, or any of the habits so many find “annoying” but the habits we fight so hard to remember once someone is gone.

I never want to be put into any of the situations above. EVER.  Losing a classmate has been tough, it’s been like we’ve lost one person out of our little family and it sucks because it’s not like she simply walked away…it’s she’s not coming back.

Shock.

I think we’re all a little shocked to learn the fact that we have lost one of our classmates.  Our school is not big to begin with but furthermore our program is one of the smaller ones.  I’m in no means trying to act like I was best friends with this girl or that I was even friends with her but we all are in a everyone knows everyone type of situation.   You don’t walk by a fellow student without saying a hello and you can always remember where everyone sat in every classroom.  For her it was the front row right hand side (if you’re sitting facing the class) 90% of the time.

We’re all young, none of us are at an age where we should have our lives cut short by accidents, diseases, or in this case a common illness.  None of us should have to leave behind our siblings, our peers, and even worse our parents.  I think it hits all of us with a decent amount of pain because we realize that this can happen to anyone.  We’re all psychology students and some of us have even been taught about death in classes but honestly, nothing can prepare you for losing a peer.

The next couple weeks are going to be tough but everyone needs to just remember some simple things:  be supportive of one another.  There are people who are going to be upset, people who are just going to be want to be left alone, and those who are going to want a hug.  Recognize where you are needed, when you are needed, and otherwise leave people alone to grieve in their own ways.  There’s no need to start rumours about what happened – if you don’t know what has happened simply say “I don’t know” – this beautiful, intelligent girl does not deserve to have her name tainted in anyways.

It’s time we pull together for one another and realize the strengths each and every one of us has.

Rest in Peace.