I think the worse thing any girl can put herself through when she’s not a toothpick is bathing suit shopping, and today I somehow managed to do that. I sometimes forget I’m not the little 115 lb girl that started university a year and a half ago, and when it comes to trying on bathing suits I can’t get a bikini, most tankinis don’t accommodate to my boobs and whatever I select for a bottom you can bet it’s covered by board shorts because I cannot STAND my legs.
I can’t believe how much hatred I’ve developed for my body since entering university. I wish I could just fit into those tiny size five jeans again and that my boobs were small enough to fit all my favourite shirts again. My great aunt told me on New Years day that “I used to be skinny”. I’m well aware I used to be skinny, and I’m well aware I’m not anymore so why rub it in my face some more. I just wish I could lose 40 lbs and be skinny again but it isn’t going to happen.
I remember thinking I hated my body and now I realize I never did, I realize now I hate my body now. I want to go back to my biggest issue being I’m too small for these pants and I want every single FUCKING stretch mark off my fucking body. I want to be those girls who are able to hang out at the beach in the summer confidently and lounge around in the sun ACTUALLY getting a tan. I feel too disgusted by myself to do so.
I’m well aware that this will one day be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever written but right now it’s exactly how I’m freaking feeling.
Fuck you 2010, you can take back EVERY pound you gave me because I’m fucking stupid and don’t know how to be healthy.