Two more days until I’m finally 19. I’m not even entirely sure why this is suppose to be exciting but it is. Maybe it’s because I’m having so many people show up who mean the world to me, or maybe it’s because I get to have my first legal drink. I don’t remember 18 being this exciting and I got a huge party out of it. This year is going to be a good one I can just feel it.
I want to try and find the right words to express exactly what I’m feeling currently, but no amounts of fucks or shits are going to express it. I just can’t believe that things escalate to a point that we have attack people for weeks on end because a true statement was said. You’re going to claim its a rumour? Fine then let it be. But I know for a fact that what was said is true. I’ve seen conversations where you yourself have admitted it in more details then I had wished to know. I could be a bitch and share these conversations with the whole world but there are certain people in this world I’m going to protect and if that means you get to look like the good guy for once in your life then so be it. Just know that some of us know who you truly are, and most of us won’t forget it either.
- Losing one of my best friends over a stupid fight. I don’t think I realize how painful it is sometimes to not have you to constantly share news with.
- Finding a boy that makes me happy. I didn’t plan on having a boyfriend this year but I’m happy it happened.
- Becoming close to people outside and inside my program. I finally feel like part of my school.
- To gain ten pounds. I don’t feel comfortable in any of my clothes anymore and I’m beyond embarrassed of my body.
- Dying my hair purple. It makes me feel amazing though.
- To be over $20 000 dollars in debt. The price I pay for education is ridiculous.
- To be struggling in all my classes. I’m embarrassed I don’t get things and even more embarrassed I can’t do simple math in statistics.
- To start disliking bowling. I go and feel like a complete and total social outcast and it is the most uncomfortable thing of my life.
- To lose my emotional side. I feel like hiding a lot of the things I feel and it’s weird to me. When we do practice counseling sessions for class I feel awkward talking about my honest feelings about the stupidest things (ie school).
- To try and feel like I’m not succeeding. I feel like I’m letting so many down.
I wish you didn’t shatter my definition of love…
…because maybe it’d be a lot easier for me to fall this time.
October has finished and I’m happy to say my midterms for the most part are done. I have one more to go but it’s a second midterm for a class I’m already not doing the best in which stresses me out a bit. I have had the meltdowns where I don’t know if this is what I should be doing with my life if I’m not good at it. Part of me says it’s because it’s second year and I’m not as prepared as I thought I was and part of me thinks its because I’m not as smart as I think I am. Both of these facts terrify me to death and I’m trying to push them to the back of my head. This month ahead doesn’t look like school is going to slow down any. I’ve got papers, presentations, tournaments and a formal to go to (which ps I’m stoked for).
But I’ve had some fun these past couple weeks despite the stress. I got to see my best friend for the first time in a couple of months. Although we didn’t get to have a ton of time together we got some homework done, slurped back a couple of slushies and pigged out on sour candies. I also got to dye the under part of my hair purple this week! I’ve always wanted purple hair and I’ve never dyed my hair before so this is mildly exicting for me. Oh and last but not least, I got to spend a fair bit of time with my boyfriend. It seems like both of our lives get chaotic at the worse possible times and most of our dates have been us laying around watching movies but I feel like it’s just what we both need and I’m beyond completely happy with where things are with us.
The weeks ahead of me are going to be crazy and I’ll try to write a bit and hopefully get some pictures from formal!